Understanding Your Attachment Style

A Key to Healthier Relationships

Joshua Kruse, PhD

Have you ever noticed patterns in how you respond to others in relationships—especially when things feel uncertain or stressful? Maybe you crave closeness and reassurance, or perhaps you tend to shut down and pull away. These patterns are often rooted in your attachment style, and understanding it can be a powerful framework for growth, emotional regulation, and relational healing.1

What Is an Attachment Style?

Attachment style refers to the internal framework we carry into our adult relationships, based on early experiences—especially with caregivers. It shapes how we give and receive love, how we respond to stress or conflict, and how we regulate our emotions in connection with others.

There are four commonly recognized attachment styles:

  1. Secure
  2. Anxious (ambivalent)
  3. Avoidant
  4. Disorganized

Let’s take a closer look at each one—and more importantly, how understanding them can help us build stronger, healthier relationships.

The Ideal: Secure Attachment

When a child grows up with consistent care—when their caregivers are attuned, emotionally available, and responsive—they learn that the world is generally safe, that their needs matter, and that others can be counted on. This is the foundation of secure attachment.

As adults, people with secure attachment are typically:

  • Comfortable with intimacy and independence
  • Able to express emotions and needs openly
  • Trusting of others and themselves
  • Emotionally resilient and able to self-soothe in stressful times

Example: Maria had parents who offered affection, structure, and empathy. As an adult, she feels confident asking her partner for reassurance when she needs it—and she offers the same in return.

Insecure Attachment Styles

Unfortunately, not everyone grows up with caregivers who are emotionally attuned or consistently supportive. And while this isn’t about blaming our parents—many of them were doing their best with what they had—these early gaps in emotional connection can shape the ways we respond to closeness and stress.

Here are the three main types of what they call insecure attachment:

1. Anxious Attachment

This style (sometimes called ambivalent attachment) often develops when caregivers are inconsistently available. The child may experience attention or love sometimes, but not predictably. As a result, they may grow up feeling uncertain if they matter—and feel they must work hard to stay connected.

Adults with anxious attachment may:

  • Feel needy or “too much”
  • Fear abandonment
  • Seek constant reassurance
  • Struggle with emotional ups and downs in relationships

Example: James worries his partner doesn’t love him enough unless they’re texting constantly. He gets anxious when there’s any silence and fears being left behind.

2. Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment often stems from emotional neglect or discouragement of vulnerability. If a child learns that showing emotions is met with dismissal or criticism, they may learn to suppress their needs and rely only on themselves.

Adults with avoidant attachment may:

  • Seem emotionally distant or overly self-reliant
  • Struggle to express needs or emotions
  • Avoid closeness, especially in times of stress

Example: Tanya had parents who expected her to be “strong” and never cry. Now she avoids vulnerability in her romantic relationship, even when she longs for deeper connection.

3. Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment tends to emerge from environments that are frightening, chaotic, or abusive. Caregivers may be both the source of comfort and the source of fear, leaving the child unsure how to seek help or stay safe.

Adults with disorganized attachment may:

  • Swing between craving closeness and pushing others away
  • Feel unsafe in relationships, even when they’re secure
  • Experience emotional dysregulation, confusion, or dissociation

Example: Kevin longs for intimacy but feels panic when someone gets too close. He sabotages his relationships and feels ashamed but doesn’t know why.

The Good News: Attachment Can Change

Our early attachments shape us, but they don’t define us forever.

The beauty of the human brain—and of relationships—is that they are plastic, meaning they can grow and change over time.2 With intention, support, and new experiences, you can develop a more secure way of relating to others and to yourself.

Healing attachment wounds isn’t about being perfect—it’s about learning how to build trust, communicate needs, and soothe yourself in healthy ways. Here’s how:

Practical Steps Toward Healing

1. Learn to Regulate Your Emotions

The first step toward healthier attachment is self-regulation—the ability to calm yourself when you’re activated (see our blog on calming your nervous system). When our nervous system is overwhelmed, our thinking brain goes offline and our attachment patterns take over.

Tools to try:

  • Deep breathing (try the physiological sigh: inhale, then take another quick inhale, then slow exhale)3
  • Grounding techniques like the 5-4-3-2-1 method (naming senses)4
  • Journaling to understand your emotions5
  • Mindfulness practices to stay present6

Why it matters: Regulation helps you respond thoughtfully, rather than react out of old patterns.

2. Reflect on Your Patterns

Once you’re calmer, take time to reflect. Ask yourself:

  • What do I tend to fear most in relationships—rejection, being trapped, being hurt?
  • Do I often feel “too much” or “not enough”?
  • How do I typically react when I feel vulnerable?

These questions help bring awareness to your style without judgment.

3. Look for Safe, Supportive Relationships

The next step is to find (or build) relationships where you can practice secure attachment. Look for people who:

  • Are consistent and kind
  • Can listen without judgment
  • Make space for your emotions

This might be a trusted friend, therapist, partner, or support group. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation—it happens in community and connection.

Remember: Receiving the message “You matter, and I’m here for you” from someone safe can begin to rewrite deep emotional scripts.7

4. Practice New Relational Skills

This might look like:

  • Asking for reassurance instead of assuming you’re a burden
  • Sharing a fear or emotion, even if it feels risky
  • Sitting with closeness instead of pulling away

Start small. With repetition, your system learns that connection doesn’t have to be scary—and that you’re worthy of love.

5. Be Patient and Kind with Yourself

Changing attachment patterns takes time. It’s normal to slip into old habits, especially in times of stress. The goal isn’t to never get triggered—it’s to learn how to come back to yourself and repair when needed.

Therapy can be a deeply helpful space for this work. In fact, a good therapeutic relationship is often a model of secure attachment: consistent, attuned, and emotionally safe.8

Final Thoughts

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labeling yourself—it’s about gaining insight and reclaiming agency. Whether you grew up with secure love or confusing emotional messages, your story is still being written.

By learning to regulate your emotions, reflect on your patterns, and build safe connections, you can experience greater freedom, resilience, and intimacy.

You can learn to trust again—yourself, others, and the possibility of healing.

  1. Attachment Theory explained by Very Well Mind ↩︎
  2. How Relationships Change your Brain Heal Attachment by Dr. Arielle Schwartz ↩︎
  3. The Science of Physiological Sigh by Psych Solutions ↩︎
  4. 5-4-3-2-1 Coping Technique for Anxiety by University of Rochester Medical Center ↩︎
  5. Emotional Journaling: How to Use Journaling to Process Emotions by Day One ↩︎
  6. Mindfulness by UCLA Mindful ↩︎
  7. A.R.E. You There? by Odina Wellness ↩︎
  8. Attachment Theory and the Psychotherapeutic Relationship by Society for Psychotherapy ↩︎